Commandment #2: Listen More, Talk Less
I’m a loquacious gal. If you haven’t figured out by reading my previous posts let me clue you in - I talk. A lot. I’m also an actor, so naturally I can (and often times do) talk, ad nauseam, about my feelings, and my art, and my current project, and my past projects, and my other feelings and my, and my, and my… I have a tendency, as much as I hate to admit it, to be quite a selfish conversationalist. I recognize this in myself – I recognize this as a weakness – a big one. And I want to change it.
I want to think less of myself and more of others, and I think that starts with listening. When someone speaks to me, I want to be engaged. Within the breaths between words, I want the possibility of learning from others to open up - not my mouth. And when my mouth does open, I want the words I speak to be informed by the information just provided, and not by thoughts waiting impatiently to burst from between my lips the minute the other person stops talking. Listen and react is the cornerstone of acting, and I want to do it better. Really listening to a friend when they need you is the heart of friendship, and I want to be a better friend. Listening, not just to the voice or the words but to every thing not being said in the between, is absolutely essential to being a good partner, and wife and mother … and oh how I want to be a good partner, and wife, and (someday) mother.
So in the next few weeks and months, when you hear less of my voice, understand it’s because I’m making the effort to hear more in yours.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Commandment #1 – Be Cali
I’ll admit I lifted this one directly from The Happiness Project. The Authors simple “Be Gretchen” really spoke to me – her need for it even more so.
Why do we find it so hard to simply be ourselves? What does that even mean – who else could we be? When I really look at that deceptively simple commandment “Be Cali” I start to realize why it may very well be the most effective commandment I choose (and why I choose to list it as number one). Because it’s not simple to be yourself, be happy with yourself, be fully in the moment as yourself, to wish nothing more for yourself than to simply be the best YOU that you can be...
I have a girlfriend I admire greatly for many reasons. She’s celebrated my triumphs with me, played nurse maid when I was too injured to properly care for myself, and taken care of my heart when it most desperately needed a gentle friend. She’s brave in ways I’m not, fiercely loyal, the kind of talented that makes performance seem easy, and on top of it all she just happens to be smokin’ hot. Seriously, the girl is Susan-Sarandon-cum-Bull-Durham-but-prettier-and-with-eyes-so-blue-they-could-cut-glass-with-a-glance hot. It would be very easy for me to wish I had her effortless grace and sex appeal, her ease on stage, or her ability to tell anyone exactly what she thinks about anything regardless…it would be very easy to cross that fine line between admiration and jealousy.
Now, I’m not saying I don’t possess some nice qualities myself. I have a few tricks up my performer’s sleeve, I’m maybe even a little more comfortable on stage as myself than she is, and my fiancé would tell anyone willing to listen (and some who aren’t) that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. Unfortunately these aren’t the thoughts that pop into my mind 50,000 times a day. We can’t possibly consider what we have when we’re concentrating so hard on our have-nots. Sometimes it’s easy to see wonderful qualities in others and wish they were your own. Sometimes it’s far too easy to see a leggy blonde walk by and wish you had her body, or to visit a home someone else has and wish you had one that nice, or to see someone else perform on stage and wish you were THAT good, or that you could play the ingénue for once, or that it was your multi-million dollar selling album or…the list could go on and on, and sometimes it does. It’s just so very easy to look outward and yearn, pine for, covet all that belongs to others, because their grass is just so much damned greener than ours. And the inevitable flip side of that coin is always devaluing what we do have. It’s a destructive, ugly cycle that only serves to beget more negativity. And it’s pointless because you never can be someone else, you never can have what others have, and you never can live anyone else’s life but your own.
Frankly, I don’t want to waste my time anymore. I’m all for self-improvement. I just want whatever improvements I put into action to stem from me, and not what I perceive as someone else’s “better-than”. I want to be myself without comparing my looks, my body, my talents, my career, or my pocket book with those of other people. It’s not as easy to be happy being yourself. It’s constantly reminding yourself until it’s second nature to believe that who you are is great, it’s replacing the “have-not” thoughts with the knowledge that what you do have is plenty, it’s comparing who you are today only with who you were yesterday, and who you want to be tomorrow. It won’t be easy to just “Be Cali” but it’s far more beneficial than the alternative. And really shouldn’t I be most proud of the one thing in the world that only I can do?
Why do we find it so hard to simply be ourselves? What does that even mean – who else could we be? When I really look at that deceptively simple commandment “Be Cali” I start to realize why it may very well be the most effective commandment I choose (and why I choose to list it as number one). Because it’s not simple to be yourself, be happy with yourself, be fully in the moment as yourself, to wish nothing more for yourself than to simply be the best YOU that you can be...
I have a girlfriend I admire greatly for many reasons. She’s celebrated my triumphs with me, played nurse maid when I was too injured to properly care for myself, and taken care of my heart when it most desperately needed a gentle friend. She’s brave in ways I’m not, fiercely loyal, the kind of talented that makes performance seem easy, and on top of it all she just happens to be smokin’ hot. Seriously, the girl is Susan-Sarandon-cum-Bull-Durham-but-prettier-and-with-eyes-so-blue-they-could-cut-glass-with-a-glance hot. It would be very easy for me to wish I had her effortless grace and sex appeal, her ease on stage, or her ability to tell anyone exactly what she thinks about anything regardless…it would be very easy to cross that fine line between admiration and jealousy.
Now, I’m not saying I don’t possess some nice qualities myself. I have a few tricks up my performer’s sleeve, I’m maybe even a little more comfortable on stage as myself than she is, and my fiancé would tell anyone willing to listen (and some who aren’t) that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. Unfortunately these aren’t the thoughts that pop into my mind 50,000 times a day. We can’t possibly consider what we have when we’re concentrating so hard on our have-nots. Sometimes it’s easy to see wonderful qualities in others and wish they were your own. Sometimes it’s far too easy to see a leggy blonde walk by and wish you had her body, or to visit a home someone else has and wish you had one that nice, or to see someone else perform on stage and wish you were THAT good, or that you could play the ingénue for once, or that it was your multi-million dollar selling album or…the list could go on and on, and sometimes it does. It’s just so very easy to look outward and yearn, pine for, covet all that belongs to others, because their grass is just so much damned greener than ours. And the inevitable flip side of that coin is always devaluing what we do have. It’s a destructive, ugly cycle that only serves to beget more negativity. And it’s pointless because you never can be someone else, you never can have what others have, and you never can live anyone else’s life but your own.
Frankly, I don’t want to waste my time anymore. I’m all for self-improvement. I just want whatever improvements I put into action to stem from me, and not what I perceive as someone else’s “better-than”. I want to be myself without comparing my looks, my body, my talents, my career, or my pocket book with those of other people. It’s not as easy to be happy being yourself. It’s constantly reminding yourself until it’s second nature to believe that who you are is great, it’s replacing the “have-not” thoughts with the knowledge that what you do have is plenty, it’s comparing who you are today only with who you were yesterday, and who you want to be tomorrow. It won’t be easy to just “Be Cali” but it’s far more beneficial than the alternative. And really shouldn’t I be most proud of the one thing in the world that only I can do?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happiness is...
It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this blog. Not that I’ve not written anything -bits and pieces per my usual, and I’ve been working on a musical parody as my first official assignment as (ehem) a new Artistic Associate with Hubris Productions (more on that later). And my absence certainly hasn’t been lack of inspiration – in fact I’ve had a wealth of inspirational articles and topics and readings come my way since last I blogged. A friend of mine passed along a fantastic videoed speech on the nature of creativity given by Elizabeth Gillbert. I read Eat, Pray, Love , a memoire authored by that very same Elizabeth Gilbert (if you haven’t read it, you should). I read a quite disturbing article about luxury and relative personal economics. And I’ve been meaning to have a long-overdue discussion with Feminism…but oi, I’ve been busy.
I stumbled upon this blog yesterday* 13 Tips for Actually Getting Some Writing Done , which prompted me to go here today*. I realized, if I go back to the very first post I made here, this blog has always been about the pursuit of happiness. A creative happiness, but happiness none the less – and it’s high time I picked up my blogging-stick.
I’m going to start by working on my own set of happiness commandments. I’ve been compiling a list of quotes and potential commandments and would like to share a few (ha!) that may or may not make the official list. Perhaps over time I can suss out the ones that seem repetitive, the ones that bear repeating, and the ones I can’t (or at least shouldn’t) live without. And the ultimate goal would be to have a succinct (good luck Cali – perhaps my 1st commandment should be “be brief”) list that applies to both my life and my creative productivity (perhaps there’s another commandment “creativity is life and life is creative – stop trying to put them in separate boxes”). I can see already that “be brief” one would be really tough…
The list so far:
Be brief
Creativity is life and life is creative – stop trying to put them in separate boxes.
Philosophy is best expressed in the choices we make. – modified quote, Elenore Roosevelt
Being happy is a choice and a duty. –modified quote Robert Louis Stevenson
St. Therese wrote: "When one loves, one does not calculate."
Act as I want to feel / fake it till you make it (thank you Candice Koern)
Quit bitching and do something.
We don’t sing because we are happy. We are happy because we sing. – Dr. Claire Buie Chaney
Be Kind and Patient
So you say I gotta be me – Revenge of the nerds
When asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40.
Say Yes, and… - Second City
Ralph Waldo Emerson :
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded."
Progress, not perfection, is what we should be asking of ourselves. – The Artist’s Way
On that same topic: Practice does not make perfect – but it does make progress.
Love is action
If you can't show compassion for yourself, how will you ever be able to show compassion to others
I will sell this house today. – American Beauty
Let go
Persistence, Permanence, Perception – Dr. Claire Buie Chaney
(I would add Patience)
Happiness is a choice
Words have power. Speak into existence only that which is positive.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do
Seek God and give thanks.
Breathe
Pray
Give for the sake of giving
Read
You can’t get what you don’t ask for
Give more than I take
Finish what you start
Quality time with loved ones does not include TV
Be Cali
Until I get these distilled down to 10 I’ll be spending some time with them here discussing what they mean to me, how they can and should apply to my pursuit of happiness, etc.
*The yesterday referenced was actually Wednesday 5/27 – perhaps I should add “Stop procrastinating!”
I stumbled upon this blog yesterday* 13 Tips for Actually Getting Some Writing Done , which prompted me to go here today*. I realized, if I go back to the very first post I made here, this blog has always been about the pursuit of happiness. A creative happiness, but happiness none the less – and it’s high time I picked up my blogging-stick.
I’m going to start by working on my own set of happiness commandments. I’ve been compiling a list of quotes and potential commandments and would like to share a few (ha!) that may or may not make the official list. Perhaps over time I can suss out the ones that seem repetitive, the ones that bear repeating, and the ones I can’t (or at least shouldn’t) live without. And the ultimate goal would be to have a succinct (good luck Cali – perhaps my 1st commandment should be “be brief”) list that applies to both my life and my creative productivity (perhaps there’s another commandment “creativity is life and life is creative – stop trying to put them in separate boxes”). I can see already that “be brief” one would be really tough…
The list so far:
Be brief
Creativity is life and life is creative – stop trying to put them in separate boxes.
Philosophy is best expressed in the choices we make. – modified quote, Elenore Roosevelt
Being happy is a choice and a duty. –modified quote Robert Louis Stevenson
St. Therese wrote: "When one loves, one does not calculate."
Act as I want to feel / fake it till you make it (thank you Candice Koern)
Quit bitching and do something.
We don’t sing because we are happy. We are happy because we sing. – Dr. Claire Buie Chaney
Be Kind and Patient
So you say I gotta be me – Revenge of the nerds
When asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40.
Say Yes, and… - Second City
Ralph Waldo Emerson :
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded."
Progress, not perfection, is what we should be asking of ourselves. – The Artist’s Way
On that same topic: Practice does not make perfect – but it does make progress.
Love is action
If you can't show compassion for yourself, how will you ever be able to show compassion to others
I will sell this house today. – American Beauty
Let go
Persistence, Permanence, Perception – Dr. Claire Buie Chaney
(I would add Patience)
Happiness is a choice
Words have power. Speak into existence only that which is positive.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do
Seek God and give thanks.
Breathe
Pray
Give for the sake of giving
Read
You can’t get what you don’t ask for
Give more than I take
Finish what you start
Quality time with loved ones does not include TV
Be Cali
Until I get these distilled down to 10 I’ll be spending some time with them here discussing what they mean to me, how they can and should apply to my pursuit of happiness, etc.
*The yesterday referenced was actually Wednesday 5/27 – perhaps I should add “Stop procrastinating!”
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Another reason to be jolly at Christmas Time...
Thank you National Lampoon
Ooooh, midnight in the ghetto street
A desperate boy, he wants somethin' t' eat
('Cause he's dead on his feet)
To "The Man" in the squad car, it's just his "beat"
(He don't care, he don't live there...)
He lives in Queens
(Not Manhattan or The Bronx, or, Brooklyn --Ahhhh, oooooh!)
A thief on the roof, a mugger in the hall
(Stick 'em up, stick 'em up!)
A baby on the floor, eatin' paint off the wall
(How's he gonna grow tall?)
But, there's one time of year that brings joy to one and all
(When ev'ry race has a smile on it's face...)
Ooooh...
Junkie on the corner, the Pusher uptown
Diggin' the Yuletide, Santa's gettin' down
Holiday colors of red and green
Turkey's big and fat and The Gangsta Lean
Numbers runner stops for a chat
The Apollo doorman tips his hat
And he says:
"Have a Kung-Fu Christmas!"
Livin' in The Ghetto, you always lose
They'll shoot ya' for your socks
And, they'll stick ya' for your shoes
When you're a Super Bad dude,
You pay Super Bad dues
(Where fear and strife is a way of life...)
But, there's a man comin' today
With lots of loot
He's got a Pimp-mo-sleigh,
A red and white fur suit
He's a SuperFly guy;
And, he's awful cu-u-ute
(He's about to arrive, bringing Jingle Bell Jive!)
Santa Claus is makin' the Soul Train scene
Slickin' down his beard with Afro Sheen®
Eeny meeny and miney mo
Frost in your hair, and snow up your nose
Diamond in the back, trimmed with holly
My girls are on the street, an' I'm feelin' jolly
Christmas Eve's comin' with the last-minute bustle
Santa tells the elves "You'd better do The Hustle"
Music by Paul Shaffer and Christopher Guest
Lyrics by Brian Doyle-Murray, Bill Murray, and Gilda Radner
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I couldn't say it any better than this...
Please read my friend Josh's post about teen bullying in Cy-Fair ISD (where we both went to school).
http://makingcopy.com/
Thank you Josh for your words and your brave heart.
http://makingcopy.com/
Thank you Josh for your words and your brave heart.
Friday, September 10, 2010
11 things that make me terribly happy (in no particular order)
As I've been re-entering the blogosphere I've been catching up with some of my favorite blog reading as well. I stumbled onto The Rockstar Diaries one day last year when a regular read led to another site which led to another which led to a site discussing the author's fantastic sense of fashion and wonderful photos. I kept reading RD because the story these two are creating with the life they are building together is so uplifting and hopeful and sweet...and not the cloying kind of high-fructose sweet that makes your teeth ache, but the honest, pure sweetness of romance and art and love (le sigh).
Anywho - there have been a series of posts on Mrs. Davis' blog regarding happiness and I thought it only fitting that I jump on her list-making band-wagon. But I'm making mine 11:
Anywho - there have been a series of posts on Mrs. Davis' blog regarding happiness and I thought it only fitting that I jump on her list-making band-wagon. But I'm making mine 11:
11 things that make me terribly happy
1. When Kevin tells me “seriously that’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked” no matter what I feed him
2. Music that squeezes my heart
3. Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie Chunk Ice Cream
4. The sound of trains
5. Wonderful foreign films filled with beautiful color
6. When Hiro decides to nap IN my lap, and not just next to it
7. A good play
8. Accordions – to see and to hear
9. Singing at the top of my lungs while cruising down Lake Shore Drive
10. Putting two dryer sheets in the laundry just for that extra bit of smell-good
11. Reading about others' happiness and letting it inform my own
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Oh lists how you bother me so...
I ran across this "Best of" list on Entertainment Weekly's website today. Of course, no one will agree with any of these kinds of lists...it's easy to see the list is more heavily influenced by characters from the most recent years in the 20-year span, and many characters have yet to prove they will stand the test of pop-culture time. But I will concentrate on what were, for me, the two most glaring errors.
6. Rachel Green from Friends
I want to be clear here - I am a huge fan of Friends and always have been. My husband is a near addict, and I must confess to being his enabler. We talk about episodes and characters as if they were our actual Friends. Hell, there were times in college when the Friends WERE my actual friends. I love all my Friends equally...ok mostly equally. And by mostly I mean depending on which season we're discussing. Let's just say were I to hand out cookies to my Friends, I'd make sure Chandler and Joey got the biggest ones, and I'd sneak Phoebe a second cookie when the others weren't looking. This is no slight to Ross, Monica, and Rachel mind you - they would still get cookies. But back to the glaring error...
While I love the character Rachel (almost) as much as I love all the other Friends, I would not have singled her out as one of the top 100 characters of the past 20 years. Yes I know, Rachel abandoning her fiancé at the alter was the inciting incident for the series. Yeah, I know she did the whole spoiled-girl-strikes-out-on-her-own-and-gets-a-job thing. Believe me, I KNOW the Ross + Rachel will-they-won't-they-on-off romance will live on in TV infamy.
But what was so special about the character Rachel? What made her so iconic? Was it that her stylists gave her a haircut millions would emulate? Perhaps it was because Rachel was played by a beautiful actor? Maybe it’s because said actor would marry the most coveted man in Hollywood during her 10-year run as Rachel? None of these things make Rachel viable in the "best in 20 year" list. Let’s not confuse huge star with huge character. If we're talking greatest characters of the past 20 years EVER? No way. I wouldn’t say Rachel was the best character on the show, let alone in the past 20 years.
Not only are there regular characters on Friends that are greater (see who got the best/most cookies above), but there were some phenomenal guest characters as well. How about Eddie, Chandler’s short-lived crazy roommate? Who else could emote such feeling for a gold fish cracker, or delight so heartily in food dehydration? And – Oh…my…gosh, who could forget Janice? She could quite possibly be one of the most memorable girlfriends-you-just-can’t-stay-away-from-no-matter-how-much-you-want-to-kill-her of all time!
But the true beauty of Friends, the real magic, was never about one particular character in the show. Think about your favorite episodes…How would “The One Where No One Is Ready” “The One With The Embryos” “The One Where Everyone Finds Out” “The One with All The Football” “The One Where Ross Got High” or “The One With Chandler In The Box” rank on your list of favorites? There’s a reason why these episodes (and others like them) are listed over and over as favorites. In each of these episodes, all or most of the 6 Friends spend all or most of their time in the same location. These Friends were greater than the sum of thier parts, and they were always at their best when they were together.
Friends was about ensemble work, period. Hell, it’s all right there in the name. If this EW list pairs others as a whole due to the iconic tethering of their characters (see Thelma + Louise and Lorallie + Rory Gilmore) then so should they list the characters of Friends as a whole.
I posit spot #6 should be "Monica, Rachel, Phoeby, Ross, Chandler and Joey from Friends."
to be continued for the second glaring error...
6. Rachel Green from Friends
I want to be clear here - I am a huge fan of Friends and always have been. My husband is a near addict, and I must confess to being his enabler. We talk about episodes and characters as if they were our actual Friends. Hell, there were times in college when the Friends WERE my actual friends. I love all my Friends equally...ok mostly equally. And by mostly I mean depending on which season we're discussing. Let's just say were I to hand out cookies to my Friends, I'd make sure Chandler and Joey got the biggest ones, and I'd sneak Phoebe a second cookie when the others weren't looking. This is no slight to Ross, Monica, and Rachel mind you - they would still get cookies. But back to the glaring error...
While I love the character Rachel (almost) as much as I love all the other Friends, I would not have singled her out as one of the top 100 characters of the past 20 years. Yes I know, Rachel abandoning her fiancé at the alter was the inciting incident for the series. Yeah, I know she did the whole spoiled-girl-strikes-out-on-her-own-and-gets-a-job thing. Believe me, I KNOW the Ross + Rachel will-they-won't-they-on-off romance will live on in TV infamy.
But what was so special about the character Rachel? What made her so iconic? Was it that her stylists gave her a haircut millions would emulate? Perhaps it was because Rachel was played by a beautiful actor? Maybe it’s because said actor would marry the most coveted man in Hollywood during her 10-year run as Rachel? None of these things make Rachel viable in the "best in 20 year" list. Let’s not confuse huge star with huge character. If we're talking greatest characters of the past 20 years EVER? No way. I wouldn’t say Rachel was the best character on the show, let alone in the past 20 years.
Not only are there regular characters on Friends that are greater (see who got the best/most cookies above), but there were some phenomenal guest characters as well. How about Eddie, Chandler’s short-lived crazy roommate? Who else could emote such feeling for a gold fish cracker, or delight so heartily in food dehydration? And – Oh…my…gosh, who could forget Janice? She could quite possibly be one of the most memorable girlfriends-you-just-can’t-stay-away-from-no-matter-how-much-you-want-to-kill-her of all time!
But the true beauty of Friends, the real magic, was never about one particular character in the show. Think about your favorite episodes…How would “The One Where No One Is Ready” “The One With The Embryos” “The One Where Everyone Finds Out” “The One with All The Football” “The One Where Ross Got High” or “The One With Chandler In The Box” rank on your list of favorites? There’s a reason why these episodes (and others like them) are listed over and over as favorites. In each of these episodes, all or most of the 6 Friends spend all or most of their time in the same location. These Friends were greater than the sum of thier parts, and they were always at their best when they were together.
Friends was about ensemble work, period. Hell, it’s all right there in the name. If this EW list pairs others as a whole due to the iconic tethering of their characters (see Thelma + Louise and Lorallie + Rory Gilmore) then so should they list the characters of Friends as a whole.
I posit spot #6 should be "Monica, Rachel, Phoeby, Ross, Chandler and Joey from Friends."
to be continued for the second glaring error...
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